Back in 2012, when I was a senior in college, my friend Adam told me some of the best advice I’ve ever heard:
“People are going to criticize you no matter what you do. So you might as well do what you want.”
And the man really meant it. Shortly after college, he quit a high profile job in political lobbying to work in the oil industry, then took the GMAT 3 times and got into the #1 business school in the U.S., only to turn down the school to accept an offer at Google. Now, he’s the head of product for an AI startup. True to his word, Adam does his own thing.
His words have stuck with me over a decade.
Yet here I am, 13 years later, writing this piece in part to convince myself to let those words sink in. It struck me recently how much I live for the opinions of others. Worse yet, how much I’ve lived for the opinions of people who don’t even like me.
I like to think I don’t care what people think. The truth is, I care a lot.
Like many of us, I still remember mean things people said to me in high school, and I still feel the burn of harsh words from former bosses.
Here are some of things for which I’ve received criticism:
Being too smart and nerdy
Not being smart enough
Being too religious
Being too worldly
Being too kind
Being too mean
Having an attitude problem
Not having enough of an attitude / enough backbone
Going to a fancy school
Not going to a good enough school
Notice a trend? Well, you can’t please everyone.
No matter how good a life you build for yourself, there will always be someone to tell you it’s not good enough, and there will always be someone to tell you that you’re trying too hard.
No matter how nice you dress, there will always be someone there to tell you that you could have dressed nicer, and there will always be someone who will make fun of you for overdressing.
No matter how smart you are, there will always be someone who will make you feel dumb, and there will always be someone who puts you down for talking about the ideas that excite you.
So, how does this apply to you?
Ask yourself, how many people shape the decisions you make? Most of us are probably mainly influenced by the 5–20 closest people in our lives: family, friends, bosses.
What about the others? Who else influences your decisions, your self worth, your actions?
Former friends? Former college buddies? Random LinkedIn connections you only kind of know? Future children? Future bosses? People who thought you were dumb in high school? That one professor who never liked your writing? That one date who thought you had no potential?
Now ask yourself, how many of these people like me?
Hopefully your friends and family do. But there’s probably a vast cadre of people who think about you in a neutral way, or who just don’t think about you much at all. And there’s probably an even smaller group of people who simply don’t like you, never did, and probably never will.
Now, take it a step further.
How many of these people do you even like?
Do you like your high school bully? Do you like your toxic boss? Do you like your coworkers who will never speak to you again once you leave the job? If not, why would you ever care what they think? And why would you try to get them to approve of you, either in real life, online, or in your mind?
If you don’t even like these people either, ask yourself… how many times have you held yourself back in the past because of their opinions?
How many times have you refrained from sharing about a movie you liked because some people thought it was dumb? How many times have you been afraid of publishing on Substack or LinkedIn because of what former colleagues might think if they saw? How many times have you pursued or stayed in a job because it would sound prestigious to other people, even if you didn’t really like it?
What about now? What are you not doing right now because you’re afraid?
If you have a creative idea, I’m not going to tell you that most people will like it and shower you with praises. Your friends may criticize it. Your parents may doubt it. Your bosses and coworkers may mock it.
So consider, if even the people who love you, such as your friends and family, may have critical words for you, what do you expect from the world at large? What do you expect from the trolls, the naysayers, and the doubters?
You’ll never please these people. So just stop trying.
I hope you have a supportive group of friends and family. I hope you don’t live in fear. I hope you don’t worry about what people say about you at parties. I especially hope you don’t have bullies in your life, toxic bosses, or online trolls. But if you do have doubters in your life, don’t let these people change how you feel or what you do.
Stop worrying about pleasing them. Stop thinking that if you’re successful enough, one day they’ll approve of you. You don’t need their approval, and you don’t really want it either.
And if you’re ready to speak your mind, launch that website, create that video, pursue that grad degree, ask out that person, or follow your dreams… but there’s still that voice inside that asks “yeah, but what if I do it and they don’t like me?”...
Just go for it.
Don’t worry. They already don’t like you.
Thanks for sharing your first essay Colin. This hit quite hard. I have realized people will continue criticizing me for being too spiritual, too opinionated, too quiet and the list goes on...I feel at times i just need to ignore the outer voices and berating my own self. Learning slowly and steadily:) loved it
Love this post. Sadly, for me, it is imaginary people that don't like what I do. or assumptions about who does and who doesn't. Drives me up the wall at times. Thanks for sharing this!